Friday, May 6, 2011

Women & Their Attractiveness: A Want Ad

Women. As popular opinion suggests that women are more than the mere objects they were considered to be two hundred years ago, I will attempt to keep this post as objective as possible (what clever phrasing, eh? It's because I'm a man). There are many things that make women attractive. Hair, for example, an attractive woman should always have hair. A nice smile; another essential element to a woman's attractiveness. Personality, wit, monetary stability, kindheartedness, the list goes on and on. While the pages of things that lead to womanly attractiveness is extensive, there are myriad things that, regardless of beauty, personality, etc will shatter any sense of attraction all together. I have put together a list of things that will transform the most beautiful woman into an unlovable mess in an instant. Observe...

Example 1: Chewing. 
Chewing, an art that was once primitive and beastly, was taken by women and restructured into an elegant dance of tooth and food in attempt to accentuate their less aggressive nature and attract the opposite sex through these mannerisms. However, many women digress into past habits and destroy the attractiveness their fore-mothers fought so hard to construct. Follow along: It's a beautiful day, the sun is shining, music is playing and a (seemingly) radiant young woman parades into the cafe I'm dining in. She is beautiful and, possessing the Y chromosome I do, I have every intention of pursuing a conversation with the woman. She gets her food, takes a seat across the room and dives into the most mal-practiced attempt at eating eyes have ever seen. Obviously attempting to dine in a manner that is sexually attractive, she refrains from the normal large bits men so frequently take. Well done. Also, rather than wanting to appear too hungry, she cuts small pieces of her sandwich and brings the pieces to her mouth individually with the proper utensils. Still doing well. However, it was when the food got to her mouth that everything went haywire. Rather than putting the, already too small for satisfaction, piece of sandwich into her mouth, she began to nibble at the morsel with rabbit like bites, crinkling her nose and chewing vigorously. After what seemed an eternity, she concluded bite number 1 and continued to do the same time and time again. Attractiveness Status: Shattered.

Hair Length: 10
Pretty Smile: 10
Great Personality: 10
Ability to Not Look Like an Idiot While Dining: -476

As you can tell, our Abilitytonotlookstupidwhileeatingodomiter rang off the hook with every bite.

Example 2: Rhythm
Rhythm is that thing that keeps our feet stomping, hands clapping and, if things go as planned, bodies swaying in unison, arm in arm, to the rhythm of two hearts beating as one. However, a lack of rhythm is not only unattractive, it is also a sin. A woman's ability to clap or sway is a direct representation of the state of her soul; a lack of rhythm displays a filthy, vile, non-redeemable soul. Example 2/Exhibit A: I'm playing a show. I've done it a million times before. An attractive waitress brings an equally attractive young woman to the table directly in front of the stage. As of now, the night couldn't be better. I play a slow song, we make eye contact and everything that should happen in that moment fell into place as it should. She's smiling and brushing her hair from her face as she screams through the checklist with flawless perfection! She eats flawlessly. We progress to the 'audience participation' portion of my set-list where the crowd is given the simple task of clapping along. As if clapping wasn't simple enough, I'm stomping on a tambourine to ensure a steady rhythm and avoid any confusion. It's at this point that the once steady train of love is derailed, bursts into flames and kills everyone aboard in a fiery mess of blood and scorched flesh. Despite my stomping and the entire room clapping, this blasphemous broad can't even scrounge up enough sense to smack her puny hands together with any sense of rhythm whatsoever. As our future love began collapsing before our eyes, she began looking around the room in a frantic state of panic and attempted to watch the hands of the other's clapping. Visual rhythm: clever backup...can she do it? Failure. Attractiveness Status: Crashed and Burned.

Hair Flipped From Face: 10
Smiled Coquettishly From Crowd: 10
Ability to Not Look Like an Idiot While Eating: 10
Has Some Mild Sense of Rhythm Whatsoever: - 12,286,317

We were going to grow up and have babies together. Now I don't even want to look at you...

Example 3: You Don't Have to Be Smart; Just Don't Be a Lying Catastrophe
While I would never personally marry an idiot, there are many men who hold this quality above all others and will wait until God's return to marry the stupidest person on earth. Stupid is fine. I can understand stupidity. However, if you're an idiot, claim it. Idiots survive by mastering three essentials and this alone sets them apart from all others: Beauty, Dining Ability and the Confidence to Look Amazing But Not Talk. Many times a paint can has more intelligence than a brunette; but the brunette looks a lot better in an evening dress while climbing out of Aston Martin. Hence, the brunette has the strong upper hand and men more frequently choose the idiot over the paint can. Those who are aware of their idiotic nature but can counteract that fault with stunning features and an amazing photogenic appearance. However, once an idiot denies that she is an idiot and attempts to cross the traitorous, uncharted waters and become the 'Full Package' she sets herself up for a disaster most can't overcome. Observe: I'm at an incredible black tie affair and some friends of mine and I are in the process of discussing politics and other opinions that can never be sorted out in a professional manner. A radiant blonde is standing nearby. She's dressed flawlessly and is handling her glass in a manner that only a true dining professional could manage. She takes a seat on my arm-rest and, as all idiots should do, doesn't say a word but simply observes and looks wonderful while making me look more attractive than I really am (but that's a topic for another time). All is going perfectly until the conversation took a turn toward the topic of euthanasia. It wasn't thirty seven seconds into the conversation when this, now-hideous, broad screeched with the cry of satan himself, "Youth in Asia! I love the youth in Asia! I heard that wave thing and it made me so sad. Somebody really should help them." ...and we all stared in amazement...
Attractiveness Status: Tsunamied, Flooded and Drowned.

Overall Beauty: 10
Ability to Make Me Look Better: 10
Ability to Sit on Chair Arms Without Falling: 10
Concern For Drowning Asians Between the Ages of 5-17: 1,000
Ability to Conceal The Idiot Within:  - 27,000,000

Oh, the stupid things we made you say for the rest of the night. Don't pretend you know things you have no idea about. If you are pretending to know something, be vague. Don't just keep going and going and going and going and may make someone's night but you'll never make a happy home.

While the list of Attractiveness Shatterers is as long as the list of things that make women attractive, we must all continue to swim through the vast sea of stupidity in search of the handful of women who have managed to overcome all odds and achieve perfection. By juggle the complex world of beauty, brains, personality and sheer amazingness, so many have arisen with strength, grace and elegance to complete the "Full Package" spoken of earlier. To you, good women of the world, my unparalleled respect and admiration is awarded. For the rest of us swim on, good sirs, swim on...

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