Sunday, May 22, 2011

How To Swallow Poison With Only Mild Repercussions

05/20/2011; 3:00pm. It seemed a day like any other, the sun was shining, birds were singing, the world was scheduled to end at midnight and all was right in the universe...or so I thought. Earlier that morning, I'd walked into work carrying a sixty-four cent bottle of peach flavored water and, despite its lack of being Dr Pepper, I was rather pleased with it. However, my hopes and dreams of a healthier alternative were shattered in an instant when I was informed that my delightful substance contained aspartame and was slowly destroying my very soul with it's rat-poison substance. That said, keep rat poison in mind because I'm going to come back to that in a while. Anyway, due to their excellent price, I had purchased several of these toxic beverages and am now looked on in contempt by health enthusiasts and sugar purists across the globe. In the end, I disregarded the statements as I knew my time on Earth was rapidly ending and, therefore, survival tactics didn't matter. As I believe absolutely everything anyone tells me, rarely form my own opinions and am often swayed in myriad religious directions, I knew I would be face to face with God himself in mere hours and felt it necessary to go out cleansed, refreshed and purified in the most natural way. After locating an amazingly beautiful spring outside the city, I spent an hour or so swimming, cleansing my body, washing my hair, and photographing the unmatched serenity this haven encapsulated. It was an unparalleled display of aquatic religious liberation. After awhile I was torn from my sacred trance when a large snake slithered from the water and perched himself on a protruding rock. Knowing snakes are really satan reincarnate, I decided to take a picture of him to show Jesus the next morning. Not having a zoom feature on my phone, I had to creep through the water and stand with my feet on either side of the rock he was on and hold my phone, literally, 10 inches from the amphibious serpent. He must have been Amish and felt as if I'd captured his soul (thus shattering any hopes of his being raptured) because after that, he followed me through the water, and cut my swim short. Feeling a little squeamish after encountering the devil only hours before I was scheduled to die, I climbed out onto a fallen tree that was hanging over the water and began playing my guitar. Five minutes hadn't passed by when a turtle no larger than a quarter swam by and stopped directly under me. I laid my guitar on a log and lay on my stomach, hanging over the water, to take a picture of the turtle. Leaning only inches above the water, I felt something run across my leg and leap into the water directly on top of the turtle I was attempting to photograph. A monstrous splash struck my face and I nearly lost all control of my bowels. While I tried to regain my balance and get away from whatever it was flailing about in the water, I realized it was an enormous rat; about the size of a possum or a beaver. I watched in disgusted horror as he ripped the turtle's shell in half and ate him alive. This all happened in a matter of seconds and I was still trying to figure out how to get my guitar (which was about 10 feet away) and get off this log without being eaten alive by the ravenous beast below. Turtle consumed, the rat climbed from the water, onto my guitar and began trying to push beneath the strings to get inside the sound-hole. All I could think of was how badly I wished I had some rat-poison infused peach water to throw on him and end this repulsive attack. I was shuddering and freaking out. I broke off a branch and hurled it at him. He jumped back into the water, I reached for my guitar while he attempted to climb back onto the log directly between my legs. More in effort to get him away from me than anything, I gulf club swung my guitar right into his side and sent him flailing into the woods. I think I sat in my truck for an hour after that trying to figure out what exactly had just happened. It's been two days now and I still jump at everything and shudder every time I think about that soaking wet, giant rat. Now I know how Wesley felt in Princess Bride. Having only 7 hours left in my life, I headed down to Broadway to busk a few hours and make enough money to get a 'World is Ending' pizza. I'd played for two hours, stomped my tambourine in half, broke 5 strings and made $41.37 before it started raining heavily and my second good idea of the day got destroyed by nature. You'd think the last day of Earth's existence would be perfect. Nope. Luckily, there was an open mic at the Commodore that helped bring a sense of clarity to the day's seemingly random, catastrophic events. After Sarah talked me out from underneath the table where I was trembling and crying in shock from my rodent attack, I told her the story and described the rat in detail; it was huge, swam under water, ate a turtle and could fly, talk and vote Republican. Being the Canadian she is, she informed me it was probably a Muskrat. Google confirmed. Now I'm glad I didn't throw aspartame water on him, it probably would have just made him smell like peaches and not killed him at all. That would be a waste of $0.64 if you ask me. Shortly after, I faked my way through an emotionless set that I think was marred by the day's events. One good thing though was this ridiculous guy who played right before me. He was dressed like Hoss from Bonanza, stood around 6'8" and sang horrible songs about being chased by indians and not being able to talk to girls. It made me kind of depressed, thinking that he would be the last person I'd ever hear sing before I went to heaven. 11:49pm. I crawled into the back of my truck, ate three cans of tuna, some gummy bears and prepared for God's return. Didn't happen. That's why I'm writing this now; on the 22nd. Regardless, if the world had ended, I would have had an incredibly eventful last day alive. Oh well, we'll get 'em next time, Tiger. I just watched Bambi for the first time in years...beautiful...

1 comment:

stephanie said...

Ok,in need of an update!!