Monday, May 16, 2011

Fascination and How Hot-Hands Saved My Life

Last night was a catastrophe of musical destruction. We broke everything. One song in, my cab started sparking blue flames and shocked the living grace out of my hands through my strings before cutting out. I got so mad that I threw my '69 jazz bass into the speaker and started screaming. Thanks, whoever you were, for bringing another cab/head on stage so I could at least finish the set. I think the remainder of the show consisted of sheer frustration, vented by breaking everything within reach; without concern for musical quality or professionalism. I don't do unprofessional; but you never would have known it had you been there last night. I was really distracted. High-5 for mediocrity. I went in the parking lot, crammed a pack of hot hands in my socks, taped a few to my chest and crawled into my frozen truck bed with every intention of passing out and sleeping my entire May 16th away. Sometimes I hope to forget that some things ever happened; other times I hope I never forget how good those times were. I woke up. It's not as easy to pretend you're fine when you don't seek out temporary replacements to serve as distractions from reality. I've kind of been distant all day. I don't really want to talk to anybody. It's grey and raining again. It's fitting, considering the date. I've felt like crying all morning. I wonder what Abigail's thinking today. I made the mistake of looking her up earlier and wound up in a Panera bathroom trying to pull myself back together. It's funny how life doesn't ever go as planned. I never would have believed it had you told me this is where I'd be a year ago. I don't think I'd want it any other shattered but I made a wicked kaleidoscope out of the pieces and nobody can take that from me. I may never be able to deny that a sense of brokenness is there, but life looks more beautiful than ever when looking through the pieces. It's all about perception. The coolest thing about mental kaleidoscopes is that colorblindness doesn't diminish their enjoyment. Walmart has a sign that says they now carry pipe tobacco and hookah supplies. Who would have guessed. I don't know why, but a guy just walked in the door with his hands in his pockets and all I could think about was how crazy it would be if he pulled out a gun and started shooting everyone in the room. I'm the oldest 22 year old in the world. I hope I always view things like a wide eyed child...

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