Wednesday, November 30, 2011

A Two Step Robbery

Some people break down doors. Others open them. I usually open them. However, sometimes I crawl directly through them, break off the handle from the inside, open the door, and return to the room I started in. Confused? Let me explain...

The year was 2011. The month, November. The day, Tuesday. The hour...sometime. Regardless of the ambiguous hour, it seemed a day like any other; but little did we know the awesomeness that lay before us. For years the door to the back warehouse had remained tied open and nothing much was thought of it. However, today it was closed. No matter. People close doors all the time, right? Wrong! Well, people do close doors all the time; but what I was referring to was the subtle implication that everything would be fine when it turned out otherwise - get off my back. Anyway. When attempting to get a case from the warehouse, we found the door; which is passed through literally hundreds of time a day, was, not only locked, but entirely jammed shut. To make matters worse, the handle was spinning freely and all of the bolts to remove the door or handle were on the inside of this heavy, metal, warehouse door...that everyone in the building needed to get through. After nearly an hour of Clay and JT attempting to pick the lock, remove the handle, etc. I offered to try to climb through the tiny window in the door. Clay, my general manager, quickly told me not to try it and went to call a door company. As soon as he left, JT very bluntly asked, "Dude, can you fit through that window?" Everything seemed to move in slow motion as I followed his eerie stare and traced the path of his bony finger to a tiny opening within the door way. There we stared at the smallest window ever built by man...all theatrics aside, it was a freaking stupid small window. Strictly to erase any doubt that I am exaggerating or expanding on it's size, I have included a picture or said door and it's diminutive window. Besides, expanding the size would have made this next situation far easier. Deciding it was worth a shot, we removed the glass and I attempted to go through. Being smaller than my shoulders, I had to stand on a chair and olympic diver position myself to go through pencil straight. Getting my arms and chest through the hole, I was stuck halfway through. At this point, it basically came down to me yelling at JT to push my feet, while I rolled my body diagonally so my hips could fit through the opening. In the process of this nonsensical maneuver, my belt caught the edge of the window. While I was trying to get my belt unstuck, JT, unaware of the hangup was pushing violently on my legs. Suddenly, my belt buckle broke open and my hips pushed through the window; tearing my shirt wide open and forcing me through. As I dropped head-first into the room, my pants caught on the window and were torn off me as I fell. Before I hit the ground, my foot got stuck in the window and I hung there a moment before twisting my ankle free and falling on the cement. Laying on my back, looking straight up; my pants around my ankles and my shirt torn off, JT's head popped through the window and, laughing hysterically said, "Looks like you made it, buddy" followed by the frantic cries of Clay screaming, "He went through the %#^@ window! He went through the *#&! window!" It was pretty much amazing. Even after I'd made it through, the screws were stripped (just like me) so I still had to bend, twist and eventually kick off the door-knob, use a screw driver and wire-cutters to cut a hole through the metal to pull out the dead-bolt and figure out some way of straightening the hinges so it could open again. Needless to say, the door is now safely secured - in an open position...but if it ever closes we've found an instant and rather comical solution. Brilliant.  

As if the night wasn't already amazing enough. Blake and I went through Wendy's in the kangaroo mask and got the most amazing reactions from a group of older women at the RedBox...but that's another story.       


j.a.m. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
j.a.m. said...

I've heard that some writers have trouble writing anything worth reading since they haven't had any meaningful life experiencees.

This is not the case with you.