Monday, November 28, 2011

Tazing a Drunken Isaac Newton

Last night marked the most amazing situation I have ever found myself in the middle of.

Caroline had left and Blake and I had just concluded watching the worst cinematic debauchery ever created. Honestly, after sitting through a horrific rendition of Red Riding Hood, I thought my life had ended. Little did I know that it was just beginning (there's a sermon or twelve in there somewhere, I'm sure). It's 3am. I enter my room, turn out the light and lay down. Literally thirty seven seconds later I hear the most profane screams coming from outside. Looking out my window, I see a collection of hammered drunk people, standing outside a taxi, screaming at each other and threatening to murder this other guy if he didn't leave them alone. I know this because they literally said, "I'm going to kill you if you don't leave us alone" several times during their explicit conversation. Logically assuming that someone was going to 1) leave someone else alone or 2) get murdered, I awoke and proceeded to watch the following events transpire:
While the group was screaming at this other, random guy and telling him to get back into the taxi or they would kill him, the cab driver, obviously irritated with the developing story-line, drove away and left the individual the group wanted him to take away. At this time, the guy they wanted to leave said he would kill them all and called one of the girls poor; which instantly resulted in one of the other guys punching him in the face. Knocking him to the ground, the girls started screaming and made everyone move into the apartment and leave the guy out on the pavement. Fortunately, they lived in the apartment directly across from mine! Coming out of my room, I found Blake staring through the peep hole in our door and laughing hysterically. The group had moved inside and the drunk guy they were trying to leave was standing outside the door, screaming frantically and punching the door while they yelled back that they had called the police. We took turns watching him for awhile as he would back up to our door, scream "fighting is what I do for a living!" then run full speed into their door, get knocked to the ground, get up, scream "send out just one man! Fighting is what I'm good at!", boxing dance around, then punch the door two or three times super hard. He did this for about ten minutes before finally just telling him that he thought his phone might be in their apartment and they needed to let him in so he could find it. They didn't believe him, apparently. During all of this commotion, Blake and I had determined that he was extremely funny when irritated, so every time he calmed down we would do something to irritate him again. At one point, he was just kind of standing there with his head against the door, offering to teach them all how to fight if they would let him in. As he kept pushing his fighting abilities, though highly doubtable, and was only 7 or 8 feet away, we weren't too willing to risk the off chance that he was a professional MMA fighter. Therefore, when he was in this vulnerable state, we employed the "two-man-double-tag-team-hit-the-other-guy-and-slam-the-door-before-he-can-react" approach. While he was standing there, Blake whipped open the door, I hurled an apple full speed at the dude, hit him in the back of the head, Blake slammed/locked the door and we both dove for the peephole to witness his reaction while laughing hysterically. The guy had no clue what happened. He was screaming and kicking and yelling that he was going to kill whoever did that. Shortly after, he proceeded to continue beating down their door and our entertainment continued. Another 5 minutes passed and, finally, we decided to talk to the guy. Grabbing another apple and Blake grabbing a wrench, I opened the door, walked out and said the super clever and awesomely funny and original line, "hey man, you've got to be quiet; it's 4am". Which, to our dismay, he very cordially and calmly replied, "I'm sorry man. They hit me in the head and stole my phone and wallet. I had to track them back here and now I'm trying to get it back. I called the cops but they aren't here yet." I don't know how necessary it is to point out that he was lying, but I will; he was lying. Before I could even say anything, two police officers rounded the corner and greeted us. They asked him for his ID and he started telling a random story before turning around, mid-sentence, and taking off at a dead run the other direction. A chase ensued and before we knew it, there were a dozen cop cars around us. It took about ten minutes but, eventually, he was seen sprinting across the street. Apparently the police saw him as well because they tazed him and, amidst bloodcurdling screams, handcuffed him in the street. Ironically enough and much to our delight, when they were walking him back, he tried to run again...leading to another healthy dose of tazing. Beautiful. We all had to fill out witness statements and it turns out that the girl across the hall and her friends had met him at a bar, he jumped in their cab and insisted on coming home with them. Considering I'd seen the situation transpire from the beginning, it all made sense. What was amazing was watching a dozen drunk people all in a state of panic trying to retell the story. Priceless. What was even more amazing was that one of the chicks (fortunately the only attractive one - go figure) was terrified that he was going to break free and kill her...therefore I was comforting her and she was clinging to me tightly - which, as she was drunk out of her freaking mind, lead to her kissing me frantically and telling me how brave I was. The sun was up, I smelled like a woman's spit and alcohol and had just witnessed a live episode of COPS in my front yard. Needless to say, McDonald's was the next stop in this unparalleled adventure. Once our dining had concluded, Blake and I sat on the couch laughing non-stop and re-telling the situation for nearly an hour. Walking down the hall, we both realized that I was still holding an apple...and he had a wrench in his back pocket. The laughing began again and the world was a better place...

True story

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