There are some things we control and others that control us. Then there are things so uncontrollable that the more we attempt to control them, the more out of control they become. That's how I've felt the past month. Like I'm trapped in this revolving room of doors where each open path leads to another random room that leads back to the one I started in. Doors keep opening and I keep moving; but no forward motion occurs. It's like a plaguing nightmare. It disturbs me and leaves me with this eternal longing to run toward something I can't find. It's this sort of weird vacancy searching for fulfillment. I guess I feel that if I go enough places and meet enough people, I'll find the right place and meet the right person. I though I'd found both. Maybe I had but was too frightened to admit the fact that I'd allowed myself to trust again. Who knows. Now I'm caught in this strange paradox of loneliness and distrust where I'm faced with the decision to trust someone enough to not be lonely or avoid loneliness by being with someone I don't trust. It's a flaw I'm repairing. When did I become so cold? I don't want to be dark; It's just all I've known for the past year. I'm thankful for the experience and am stronger for it all, but standing alone, fighting for dreams that no one else believes in gets tiresome from time to time. I'm happy; I'm just exhausted from forcing myself to smile. I want it all to be natural again. It'll turn around. It always does. I'd just rather fight to make things happen for myself so this lingering sense of helplessness frustrates me. I guess it's that control thing again.
I keep waking up from this stupid dream that rips my heart out. Why does it always come back? I think every second together ran through my mind. It was strange. I even got up, made her favorite chicken alfredo and watched Iron Chef in the dark like she used to. It made me want to cry. I wonder if she misses me? I sat awake flipping through photographs thinking awhile. I think it was her eyes that did it. God, those eyes. I felt safe there; like the world was collapsing around me but everything was beautiful. Ironic how things swing full circle. That brought to mind another night in the back of my truck at 2am when I felt that peace again. I should have said something to her. Whatever, I tore off my rearview mirror years ago; but for some reason I keep staring at the reflections in the windshield waiting to turn a corner so I can't pick them up anymore. Keep moving forward and praying that someday I'll find something that makes it all make sense.
A beautiful story with un-beautiful parts...
On a lighter, more awesome note,
I was juggling these corndogs I made and dropped one into an open jar of powered sugar (yeah, you read that right). A flawless discovery. Seriously? Honey-batter corn dogs coated in powered sugar? A delicacy from God himself.