Wednesday, May 8, 2013

20 Things I've Discovered About the US of A

Here are a few things I've noticed in my travels.  Perhaps, now, you'll begin to notice them too:

1) Target/Ross and Walmart/Lowes are almost always in the same plaza.
If they aren't, the other store will generally be at the next exit.

2) North Carolina highways are required to have at least 1 dead dog for every 3 miles traveled. If a dog is unavailable, a possum, deer or other mammal can serve as a temporary replacement; considering a dog corpse replaces it within the 3 day grace period.

3) Hurricane, Dynamite, Toad Lick, Possum-Trot, Monkey's Elbow, Nitro, Cracked Dam, Normal, Effington, Hellhole, Asbestos, Dildo, Bald Horse and Boogertown are all real US cities that I have been to...Atlanta was originally named Terminus...

4) All of Ohio sucks. End of story

5) Taos, NM is home to one of the ugliest transvestites of all time

6) There is a man in northern GA who makes and sells bacon ties at a gas station
      6.2) You can't talk GA cops out of anything...
          6.3) can't go through GA without being pulled over
             6.4) will get a ticket in GA

7) Strangers who bring up politics always assume that you vote like them. Strangers don't bring up politics in the North East...but I'm sure they still assume that you vote like them...

8) Every girl on Amelia Island, FL is pregnant. Why not - there isn't much to do there.

9) "You're welcome" is a regional thing:
On the West Coast it's, "You're Welcome"...but in the south it's, "Yes, sir", the North East it's, "Uh-huh", the South East, "Of course" and in the Rough and Wild West it's just a smile and nod.

10) The Deep South is "Southern Proud" and always right. Go up to any dip-spitting, truck driving, knife wielding, son of his sister and tell him that his home state sucks or that country music is for queers and he will proceed to beat the crap out of you for "hating God and America"; regardless of how correct and/or polite you were. 

11) There is a city called Riverside or Centerville in almost every state...and they probably all have an MLK drive...

12) People in Portland, OR hate when bicyclists don't have a light on their bike. Everyone is a bicyclist. Nearly everyone has a light; because they've killed everyone who didn't 

13) Nobody in Austin, Nashville, or Vegas is from there. 

14) You can haggle hotel prices in mountain towns during the summer. The snow has melted, so the slope seeking tourists have long departed; if you play your cards right, you may even end up with a free meal and strange conversation. 

15) Cities tend to have strange, little, painted things you can find if you look hard enough. Some are easy; others, not so much. I think it started with the fiberglass cows in Chicago, IL, but now Cincinnati, OH has hundreds of painted pigs around the city, there are several Snoopy statues in St Paul, MN; giant, colorful, Swans fill Hattiesburg, MS; decorated fire-hydrants in St Louis, MO; I've found a few dressed up squirrels in Nashville, TN and seen painted fish in Fernandina Beach, FL. It seems like almost every city has something like that.  

16) Dr Pepper bottles change shape depending on the region, people in the South put peanuts in their Coke, and EVERYONE from Kentucky loves AL81 (?) - I haven't found it in any other state...praise Jesus.

17) People are all about what they can't (shouldn't) have -  there is an indoor rainforest in Omaha, NE, an indoor ski mountain in Orlando, FL and and indoor beach I saw somewhere in MI. 

18) The Mission District in San Francisco, CA,  all of Atlanta, GA, and the pits in Venice Beach, CA have some of the best graffiti I've ever seen

19) Asking for "Tea" is a pretty vague, yet regional phrase. "Tea" means "Really-Sweet-Iced-Tea" in the south & most parts of the west; unsweet-iced-tea on the west coast; where "unsweet tea" is just called "tea" - and there is no such thing as "unsweet tea" because you aren't changing anything about it. Asking for "Tea" in the North East generally results in being given "hot tea"

20) Speaking English is 100% optional.

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