Thursday, March 17, 2011

Unicorns and The Way Things Die

Everyone wants to change the world. Some attempt to do so with money, others with power, fame or silly haircuts. In truth, many have gone so far as to trade vintage car parts with the Devil for a shot at winning Superbowl tickets in hope that they could then sell them to feed a starving kitten in Malaysia and, by doing so, provide a starving child with a slightly more filling meal than he would have had. However, I have not allowed myself to be swayed by fashion, tradition or the ever surrounding methods of charitable culture. While curing cancer, battling vikings and finding economical fuel sources are all worthy causes, I have pledged my life, to something far superior. For the last sixteen years, I have dedicated myself to the study of mythological creatures, sacred mammals and the way things die.

After years of endless study, at last I have discovered the reason Unicorns no longer roam the earth. I will admit that my research was hindered by the fact that my entire life I had been taught that their extinction occurred as the result of a tragic tuberculosis outbreak brought to their valley by the giant crabs who lived on the island across the sea. According to popular belief, when the crabs attacked Unicorn Valley, they cut off the horns of the alpha-males and harvested their tails to produce stronger jump-ropes. Without their unihorns, the Unicorn's immune systems shut down and they all caught tuberculosis. Being a member of the salmon family, this caused severe birth defects resulting in their children being born as elven trolls and leaving Unicorns alive no more. However, as so often happens, what once was accepted as fact has now been revised. History has rewritten itself and the world is enlightened by means of my shocking and violent discovery! The truth in Unicorn extinction lies, not in disease, but in their dreaded unihorn itself! As we all know, in 1411, Unicorn Valley was revered for their tall grass, flowing fields and tree-high barley fields. However, due to the famine and people disregarding the "Please Do Not Walk On The Barley" signs, the height of these once luscious fields began to decrease. As a result, their supplies diminished and whenever a unicorn would attempt to eat, his unihorn would stick into the ground making it impossible for them to eat grass shorter than 8". Once the tall growth was gone, all the Unicorns either died of starvation or were eaten alive by rabid wolves while they were stuck to the ground and unable to run.

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